Hi guys, sorry I have been off my blog for a little while. I was pretty blown away by my father’s death awhile back, especially since I only heard about it 6 months after he had died. To top it all off, I heard about it from someone I hardly even know. And I have to admit, even as I expect the bare minimum of decency from my parents and sister, even this was a very cheap, scummy and low blow. The sudden news of finding out my father had died 6 months earlier was devastating to me to put it mildly. I know I hadn’t seen or spoken to my father in 18 years, since I was 15 years old, but I really expected him, especially on his deathbed, to make even the tiniest, slightest effort to right the wrongs of his past. To try to make amends with the only son he ever had, that he drove away forever because of his violent abuse. But he didn’t. And all that year I thought he was still alive, I was holding out hope that at the last minute I’d get a letter from him acknowledging and making even a small apology to me for all of the despicable and criminal things he did in the past. But right up until his last dying breath, he still couldn’t even be bothered to make the smallest effort to right his wrongs. And after so many years of waiting and hoping, I was finally faced with the fact that my father lived as a jerk, and he died as one too. That alone was so distressing for me to realize.
I think I was just holding out hope that the people who created me, would somehow turn out to not be the complete scum of the earth, manipulative, arrogant psychopaths, that I had known them to be so well as I was growing up in their house. After all, who wants to know they come from mentally deficient stock like that? I sure didn’t. But apparently I do, and I have to live with that. My parents scraped the bottom of the barrel in their personal lives at home, and belonged in prison for their crimes. But they got away with it for decades. My father even escaped any punishment all the way to his death. My only consolation is the hope that me leaving them at such a young age and refusing to ever speak to them again for the next 18 years somehow hurt them profoundly. I doubt it did. Maybe at first, but I think that was more the shock of seeing their favourite punching bag having the nerve to stand up to them and walk out of their toxic lives forever. And once they got over that shock, I believe, although obviously I can’t know for sure, that they moved on and got over it, and stopped caring. And to some extent were even relieved that I was gone. Less money to spend on a kid they hated, less fighting, less embarrassment that might tarnish their all-important public image.
But I on the other hand, have never forgotten, and the physical and mental bruises I got back then still feel as fresh to me now as they did back then. It’s sad that after all this time, I still can’t get over it. I’ve been trying though and have been with a great psychiatrist for awhile now who has helped a lot with dealing with what she calls Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I still think of it all day and night though: the violence, the bruises on my body I had to try and hide at school, the sexual improprieties towards me by my mother, the endless humiliations and exposures, and hiding from my parents every time I heard them coming because I was so terrified of them. I got so used to hiding by being silent that I still walk on my toes everywhere I go, even after all these years, even when I’m alone at home. Every day and night I think of these horrible things from my past, all year long, and apparently that’s not normal. So my psychiatrist is trying to help me end that, but it takes time, years usually.
But during all this I was really not in a state of mind to be writing personal things on my blog, but I’m going to get back into my writing rhythm again now, now that I’ve gotten past the shock of this. So thanks for your patience and understanding, and most of all thanks so much to those of you have been so friendly and supportive. It may not seem like much to you, but your comments really effect me in a good way, and I’m very grateful for it. So here’s looking to another year full of fun posts! 
Thanks guys!
February 27th, 2010 at 10:48 pm
Very few people are going to understand the gravity of the pain you have gone through and the ordeal of having to come to terms with this. I think it is extremely brave of you to discuss what you have been through and I am sure it would help many people knowing how you are dealing with this and seeing what you have achieved since leaving your “home”. It certainly doesn’t sound you can call your biological parents “family” and hope you have found friends along the way to be your real “family”. I hope you have found further strength through the supporters of your business, blog etc. We certainly wish you continued success for the future.
February 28th, 2010 at 7:12 am
Find peace in every step my friend. Recovering from PTSD can take time but it sounds like you are taking the right steps. I’m sending you some good vibes here! Keep in mind that good people are out there.
February 28th, 2010 at 1:21 pm
Condolences on your father’s passing… and I know the feeling. I think not too many understand what’s it’s like to grow up “not as expected”. My dad died too and I could have cared less… and still have no emotion attached to it. I don’t even know what year, month or day he died? That’s what being different does to us… not sure what to tell you… maybe that you’re not alone? Anyway… hugz… keep talking about stuff and sharing. Michael
March 1st, 2010 at 11:37 pm
To be honest, I really don’t know how to respond.
To say “I’m sorry for your loss” would seem to be a bit bland and, from reading what an asshole your father was, I don’t think you’d appreciate it.
And since I can’t console your personally, guess a “if I was there I’d give you a great big hug” will have to do…..??
I hope you can put this behind you and “shake the dust from your shoes” (some quote in that bible thing I think – lol) and move on.
Take care and my best to you.
March 2nd, 2010 at 11:45 pm
Hey man, I feel for you. I had a parent pass away, and I wish unfinished business was cleared before then. The pain in our past can definitely influence how our lives can unfold. We either let that pain take over us, or we draw strength from it when facing our current challenges.
March 8th, 2010 at 9:08 am
I’m so shocked by your story that I don’t know what to say. I very much understand your desires for revenche, or at least justice, but it seems those people do not deserve your time and attention and it’s probably best if you ignore them. I hope your counselor will guide you well in your healing process, and I’m sure you will live a beautiful and happy life because you are a good and beautiful person. I wish the best for you.
Kisses from Spain!
March 9th, 2010 at 8:49 pm
Ian,
Chuffed you’re finding your writing rhythm.
Looking forward to your journey. Let go of the concept of “deficient stock”. Embrace the fact you are incredibly adept at moving forward, growth, and self preservation. A lesser man would still be in the tar pit of pain you describe.
Luv ya mate.
Alex
March 22nd, 2010 at 8:59 pm
Even though my mother and I have reconciled after 15 years of barely speaking to one another and after 20 years of a disintegrating relationship, I still can empathise to some extent with you. I know it’s not the same as being in your situation, but not everyone can have a loving relationship with either or both of their parents.
I’m glad you’re taking steps to deal with your feelings in a constructive way. I wish for your sake that your mother could find it in her heart to apologise for the wrongs she committed against you.
Unfortunately, sometimes it takes death for people to see life a little more clearly. My mother contacted me last year when my maternal grandmother was admitted to hospice. Four days later, Grandma was gone. At least my mother had the decency to call and let me/us know right away.
Also, I remember reading your writing back in the early days of the Internet (or at least what feels like it now!). I hope things are going well for you now.
March 29th, 2010 at 8:15 am
Ian
First, I want to say how happy I was to find your blog again, as someone who has followed not just your vids but also your thoughts for 15 years (?). Your appearance and openness have always made you seem special to me.
Secondly, I’m writing to as a former abused child (maybe not as bad as your childhood, but still, I grew up in a world of fear and mental abuse, in which I didn’t know if there would ever be a place for me, knowing if there was it was up to me to make it for myself; and in spite of a lot of success I am still struggling decades later with that doubt and problems of self-image which only my closest friends can imagine.)
I had to pass on this poem to you, and if it’s cut off, google Mary Oliver’s poem, “The Journey”.
Jim
The Journey
One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting their bad advice–
though the whole house began to tremble
and you felt the old tug at your ankles.
“Mend my life!” each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy was terrible.
It was already late enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper into the world,
determined to do the only thing you could do–
determined to save
the only life you could save.
© Mary Oliver
April 4th, 2010 at 3:49 pm
Ian
I have just discovered you. I have a membership in Broke Straight Boys and Videoboys is a bonus site from there. I just saw your performances on the Videoboys site and was very impressed. More than just beautiful your personality came through as gentle and kind. I decided to look for you and found the fan site. When I found the entry about the death of your father I was shocked. That no one would contact you was beyond inhumane. They had so many years to get over it. Be strong. You need to know there are others out here on your side.
Jon
April 12th, 2010 at 3:26 pm
Hi Jon, thanks for taking a moment to write to me.
I’m, glad you had a chance to stumble onto Videoboys, and even more glad that you liked it, he he. But really I don’t know what to say in response to such sweet compliments from you, other than to say that I really do appreciate it, and can see that you’re a very good person too. Yeah it was a shock to me to hear about my fathering dying, 6 moths after he died, and from someone I barely even know who just mentioned it in passing, as if it were some menial trivia. I’ve always believed my family were complete psychopaths, but I’ve also always held out the wish that they would prove me wrong. And almost 20 years later, they’re just confirming my original thoughts about them all over again, and I can’t even begin to describe how sad and worthless that makes me feel. But I try to look at it from their side too. I left at 15 and refused to have any contact with them for the next almost 20 years now, and even considered filing a restraining order against them when I was younger. But I made my choice to leave them against their wishes, and I made it crystal clear how much I absolutely hated them to no end. So it’s quite possible they wanted to tell me about my father dying, but were afraid to contact me in case I blew up on them. But I don’t know, I think I’m just looking for excuses to make it feel less horrible that it does. And while it may not be ideal, sometimes that’s all we can do to get through our days.
April 18th, 2010 at 10:54 am
Ian
I have just discovered you. I have a membership in Broke Straight Boys and Videoboys is a bonus site from there. I just saw your performances on the Videoboys site and was very impressed. More than just beautiful your personality came through as gentle and kind. I decided to look for you and found the fan site. When I found the entry about the death of your father I was shocked. That no one would contact you was beyond inhumane. They had so many years to get over it. Be strong. You need to know there are others out here on your side.
Jon
April 18th, 2010 at 2:38 pm
Condolences on your father’s passing… and I know the feeling. I think not too many understand what’s it’s like to grow up “not as expected”. My dad died too and I could have cared less… and still have no emotion attached to it. I don’t even know what year, month or day he died? That’s what being different does to us… not sure what to tell you… maybe that you’re not alone? Anyway… hugz… keep talking about stuff and sharing. Michael
April 19th, 2010 at 9:53 am
Find peace in every step my friend. Recovering from PTSD can take time but it sounds like you are taking the right steps. I’m sending you some good vibes here! Keep in mind that good people are out there.
May 31st, 2010 at 1:56 am
I’m so shocked by your story that I don’t know what to say. I very much understand your desires for revenche, or at least justice, but it seems those people do not deserve your time and attention and it’s probably best if you ignore them. I hope your counselor will guide you well in your healing process, and I’m sure you will live a beautiful and happy life because you are a good and beautiful person. I wish the best for you.
Kisses from Spain!
July 22nd, 2010 at 6:41 pm
Thanks so much for your sweet words, it means a lot to me. I think you’re right that it’s better not to waste more time on bad things from the past. It’s better to cut my losses and move along to better things. Which I’m trying my best to do. Thanks again for taking a moment to say something so encouraging.