IanDuncan.com

I only have one sibling, my sister Sara who’s 2 years older than me. My sister and I had a very difficult (if not totally hostile) relationship with each other when we were growing up, largely in part, I think, due to the toxic and abusive household we grew up in where hostility was not only tolerated, but encouraged. It was the norm in our physically & sexually violent, emotional and psychologically abusive environment. After all, parents do lead by example, and I think the hostility, manipulativeness and aggression seen in our parents, and their lack of warmth and playfulness towards each other was handed down to me and my sister.

The sad thing about it is that if we had grown up with different parents, I think my sister and I would have gotten along very well. But unfortunately, that just wasn’t the case with us. And we spent our entire childhoods fighting each other practically to the death. There are a few pictures I have of the times I spent with my sister where for a brief moment we got along really well. This is one of those pictures here. It seems like a lovely childhood when you look at it, but it was a rare occasion for us to get along like this, which I find very sad. It was a terrible waste of the love that two good kids had inside them, but weren’t able to express it and grow closer from it.

When I escaped from my parents house as soon as I could at the age of 15, never to see them again, even 18 years later, I also didn’t want to see my sister because in my eyes, I lumped her together into the same group as my parents. To me, it was always me against all 3 of them. But after a few years I’d see my sister now and then for very brief visits, although we’d never talk about why I left so many years ago, or about anything too personal. But a few years ago I decided to try and get in touch with her again to make sure she was all right, and to hopefully try to get to know her. I thought maybe as adults it might work out for us. So I found her and we started to write back and forth to each other, making small talk, and saying nice things. Sometimes sending presents for birthdays too. But then on one Mother’s Day I was writing to my sister and started to think of our mother and all the horrible things that woman did, and suddenly it all came pouring out of me onto the page I was writing and I let it all out, all my anger and frustration that had built up inside me over the years. I figured if I was going to have a relationship with my sister as adults, then it had to be based on truth and respect, rather than just pretending the horrible things of the past never occured. All these years my sister had no idea why I ran away, thinking that it was just because of me being gay and the hostile reaction I got to that from my parents and sister. But it had little to do with that, since years before that ever became an issue, I had already decided to get away from my parents as soon as possible and hopefully never lay eyes on them again. In an ideal world, I wanted to see both of my parents suffering in prison for life for the crimes they committed, but I’d settle for just getting away to a safer place where I could live my life in peace.

So I took a chance, and after all the years, finally told my sister why I left at such a young age, never to be seen again. So she could finally know about all the years of intense beatings and sexual molestation that occurred in our house, as well as them trying to send me away to a foster home because they were so disgusted and embarrassed by having a gay child. I hoped it would explain everything to her, and she would finally understand the intense, intense hatred I have always had for our parents. But far from being understanding or compassionate, she refused to believe it, and told me I was never to speak about “her” parents ever again. Not our parents, but “her” parents. In fact, the last words she said to me earlier this year were “Shame on you!” That’s the last thing she ever said to me, and I’ll never forget that. Just like the last words she said to me before I escaped at 15 were, “God created AIDS to get rid of people like you.” Which is ironic, because now she has hundreds of gay friends and spun around 180 degrees on the topic. But those words stuck with me for almost 20 years now, because they hurt so much, especially coming from someone I looked up to so much. But for me to feel ashamed because I stood up for myself and defended my life against a man who would have killed me if he’d had just a few more beers in him, and to have fought off my own mother’s sexual advances for 8 years while I was a kid, is ridiculous. On top of that these are the same two parents who wanted to put me in a foster home to throw me away once they found out about me being gay at 14. And in 20 long years they’ve never even once made the slightest effort to right their wrongs, admit their mistakes, or even offer an apology. Right up to their dying breaths they’re denying they ever did even the slightest wrongdoing. And I’m supposed to show respect to these 2 scumbags? Don’t count on that happening anytime soon.

So it didn’t work out at all like I had hoped. But I have to admit that my timing was really bad. My uncle had just died of cancer a couple of years ago, which was very difficult on everyone close to him. Now my father has been battling the same cancer and is supposed to die very soon this year, if he hasn’t already. And considering how close my sister is to my father, and how much she loves him, it should be no surprise to me that she reacted the way she did. She was going through an extremely emotional and difficult time when I laid that explosive story on her, and I think it was just too much for her to handle, and the only way she could cope was to just deny it and cut off all contact with me. Needless to say, I was beyond angry when I saw her reaction. But after the months passed I began to see things from her side, and learned a lot about her life that I had never known about at all these years. And I see what a difficult time she’s had in life, but has always managed to survive and get ahead because of how strong she is.

It seems odd that after telling this story, that I should now admit that when I was a kid, all I did was look up to my older sister. She was the strong one, the one with the cool friends, cool clothes, and listened to cool music. She was beautiful, unashamed, assertive and confrontational, where I was scared of everything and had hardly any friends because I was too shy. She got along with our father like they were best friends and she didn’t put up with any shit from our mother, whereas I just took my regular beatings from day to day and just tried to hide my bruises at school. Despite the fact that we fought like cats and dogs, I had great admiration and respect for my sister Sara, and wanted to be just like her. I never told her that and I don’t suppose I’ll ever have the chance to now. Because after the last blow-up we had over our parents, I truly believe I will never hear from my sister ever again.

For almost 20 years now I’ve been waiting and thinking every day about the day when my parents and sister would finally come to their senses, grow a conscience out of the blue and apologize for terrorizing a kid for so many years, only to drive him out of his own home, and then blame him for leaving. In the back of my mind I always expected that day would come, and it gave me hope to think that. But now it’s pretty obvious that day will never come. My father’s about to die and still can’t be bothered, even at the very end of his life, to try and right his wrongs with the only son he ever had. My sister wants nothing to do with me because she doesn’t want to accept the things my parents did, and she’d rather pretend it never happened. And my mother, well I haven’t heard anything from her or about her since I left, so I doubt she has changed much at all. Not a word from her either, so she obviously doesn’t care to right her wrongs either. So my waiting has come to an end after so many years. Unfortunately it wasn’t the end I was hoping for, but at least I know now and can move on. Still, it makes me so sad to see it end like this. I really can’t even tell you how sad it makes me.

And despite it all, I know my sister is struggling to get through a difficult time in her life right now, and I wish her nothing but the best. I have no bad thoughts about my sister of any kind now because I understand her situation better, and I certainly have nothing bad to say about her, and I never will ever again. She is a beautiful woman making her own way in the world, doing the best she can at everything she does. She is a fighter and a survivor and has certainly earned all the admiration I feel for her. Today is her 36th birthday, and even though I doubt I will ever hear from her again, and I doubt she will ever read this, I only want to say Happy Birthday Sara. I hope you find all the happiness in your life that the world has to offer. You are my only sister, and no matter what, I will always love and respect you for the rest of my life. You’ll always be the older sister I secretly looked up to.

Love,

Your Only Brother Ian