Tonight for the first time in maybe 6 or 7 years I finally got back in touch with my friend Rob, who I hadn’t seen or talked with in all that time. And not seeing him during all that time wasn’t due to anything bad on his part, it was entirely me who was in hiding. For a few years I felt like my life was falling apart and I was spiralling downwards very quickly, heading towards suicide. and I didn’t want my friends or the public to witness my total self-destruction, so I basically just ran away from everyone. I kept a big smile on my face and was friendly to everyone I encountered, but inside I felt like I was rotting into something that would be better off not being here, not being alive. I kept it entirely to myself for years. I ignored my friends, didn’t socialize, I shut down my former blog so I wouldn’t have to write about these things so publicly, and just kept to myself while I tried to maintain the most privacy as I waited for my life to end. I’d stay up all night and sleep all day just so I would encounter as few people as humanly possible.
Luckily for me though, after a lot of work, with a lot of support from my best friend, things are looking up now for the first time in many years. And I don’t mean work-wise, I mean just in my personal life. Work has been very good for me, but it wasn’t enough to pull me up from the pit I was falling into. Having HIV was never much of a big deal to me, because I’ve gotten used to it ever since I got it when I was raped when I was 17 years old. But finding out last year that my father was quickly dying of cancer and that he still couldn’t be bothered to right the wrongs he committed against me, and then losing my sister over discussions about him and my mother, well that was enough to make me start self-destructing. And I really didn’t think I could make it through that.
But tonight I rekindled a friendship with one of the best friends a person could ever ask for, someone I had basically abandoned, but who hadn’t given up hope on me. And for me, that’s a sign that maybe anything good is possible, and that there is always something amazing waiting just over the horizon, if I’m willing to be open to it. And especially if I stick around long enough to see it happen. So thank you Rob. Thank you for not giving up on me, and for being a wonderful person and friend. I know your presence in this world makes it a better place for everyone you encounter, and I’m grateful that after all this time I can still call you my good friend.
I love with all my heart.
xo
August 18th, 2009 at 2:51 am
Thanks for your kind words Ian – more importantly, thanks for sharing your thoughts, laughs and silly times with me. Good things are ahead and great memories are waiting to be made. You can count on me to help with the not so good days as well.
I had a blast at the parade… you get me… and make me smile.
From the first time we met at Colby’s many years back… I knew you were special… Some people come into your life for a reason, season or a lifetime. You are stuck with me for a lifetime.
love and respect and appreciation,
Rob