Finally my trip to Winnipeg is over and I’m back at home! I had a good time overall visiting with Bruce’s family, as I always do, but I’m relieved to be back here where I can relax again. Hanging out with a bunch of super energetic kids can be great fun but a little draining too.
When I got back from my trip, I went with my friend Bruce to see the movie Titanic, and I thought it was amazing. Usually I don’t like movies with these tacky Hollywood boy-girl romances, which is what I was expecting, but it wasn’t that way at all, and I loved every second of it. Actually the story between the boy and the girl and how they meet and are in love was my favourite part of the movie. But I think if the same romance had taken place without so much disaster and death surrounding it, I wouldn’t have liked it nearly as much at all. I guess I like to see death and love together because for me they go hand in hand, which I’ll explain in a moment. And they weren’t exactly sensationalized death scenes either, they were more peaceful in a way, more realistic which is what I like. I think it portrayed death in a very nice way and after the movie was over I wanted to die too. I’m sure most of you’ll think I’m pretty strange when you read this but it’s all true. That’s just how I am.
I related to the story in so many ways which is why I think it moved me so much. I can relate to feeling like I it’s hard to be around certain people you have to spend time with through work or school or whatever, that they’re all so different and don’t understand me, or even see me. I can relate to longing for someone who can know me completely and lovingly, someone who would be able to see my whole life, both past and future, when they look in my eyes. I know how it feels to walk completely away from everything that is expected of me and to set myself free doing what I really want inside. The feeling of realizing the insignificance of a repressive world and finally knowing that nothing can stop me from living all the dreams I’ve cultivated throughout my life. And also, what was probably most moving to me, was that feeling we have when we’re confronted with the end of our lives, it’s a feeling of realizing what we truly value. I won’t yet get into why I know that feeling so intimately, and have for so long, but I will say that it’s one of my favourite feelings. It’s a feeling that always fills me with a sense of peace. They’re moments when I stop caring and worrying about the insignificant day to day troubles of life, and all I can see is what matters most to me, and for me that is usually my love for one person. Many people value many different things, but what matters most to me is to be close to someone, as close as is possible, enough so that our lives seem to be one, and it’s at that point that I no longer want to be in this world. It’s at that point when I find so much complete peace and fulfillment that it seems all my goals and dreams in life are over. And it’s at that point that I feel I can die in peace.
Unfortunately, the love I had that fit that description no longer exists in the same way it used to. The six years I spent with my one love Bruce were years that gave me the chance to feel many of those feelings, and it was wonderful. But now what I had with him is over, and I feel like I am at the end of my life and completely alone in the world. I’ve felt that way for quite awhile now, so I’m used to it, but I wish I felt differently. I feel like I’m at the end of my life because I feel like I’ve been to so many places and seen and known so many people, and I’ve done so much that there seems like there’s nothing left to do. And while it’s certainly true that my life has been very good to me overall, there’s also been an enormous amount of pain, but I’m glad to have known both. I’m only 22 and it seems to me that I’ve lived such a complete life already, succeeding and failing again and again at almost everything under the sun, living my life to its fullest. But now I find that I just spend my days thinking about death, and about knowing such a wonderful love one more time, which I don’t think I ever will. It’s a strange point to be at in life, especially at my age I think, but I’m here, and I can’t help but wonder what I’m supposed to do now . . .
