IanDuncan.com

(From my journal for my writer’s craft class)

I’m terrified! Since about Monday I’ve been having trouble with what I thought was my ear and over the past couple of days I’ve noticed something strange growing on my tongue. I thought at first that I just had an ear infection but it has gotten worse. I couldn’t eat much this morning because of the intense pain I feel in my ear when I chew and swallow. Now my tongue has grown something white all over it. It’s not a coating because it won’t come off, it’s actually growing out of my tongue.

Last night I decided I would call my doctor in the morning to see what was wrong, but her office was closed after twelve noon which meant I wouldn’t be able to see her until Monday. So I went to the emergency room at St. Joseph’s Hospital because I was concerned the pain in my ear would affect my hearing. Well, this is why I’m terrified: the nurse who looked at me said I had an infection in my mouth, a yeast infection probably and it looked like it was caused by an immune system depression. She told me I needed to take an HIV blood test on Monday to see if I’m HIV+ or not because she thinks I might be. She didn’t say that I was positive or even that it was a strong possibility, but she said enough to make all the blood rush out of my head and make me almost pass out in my chair. I felt so nauseous and I tried to hide it but she noticed how my face suddenly went white.

On Monday I will call my doctor to make an appointment for my blood test. I probably won’t be able to have one until sometime near the end of next week. Then I’ll have to wait another three weeks before I get my results back. So I won’t know whether I’m going to die young or not until school is over. I’m so scared right now. My entire perspective on everything in my life suddenly shifted 180 degrees. I don’t know how long that will last, but probably not very long unless I find out that I’m positive. This is a very scary thing. I’m thinking now about all the people I’ve met who are HIV+ and how healthy they all looked. I know they won’t be that healthy for long and that scares me because of how strong they look. It makes me look at myself and realize I’m not totallu invincible and I can be eaten up by this disease very easily.

I was tested a year ago for HIV and my results were negative. I don’t remember worrying so much that time though. I think it was because my doctor gently worked her way up to suggesting it to me and almost made it look like I was asking to be tested as opposed to the nurse today who was so completely blunt about it. “It’s a scary thought, but that’s the bottom line,” she said to me. Holy cow! I’m trying not to worry but it’s not easy.

There’s one thing I couldn’t appreciate more though, and that’s the unending support I get from my partner Bruce. He has always helped me through my scariest and saddest times, and he has always been there to share in my good times. I’m glad he’s here with me for this because that’s what I need the most.

Tonight I’m making us a wonderful feast to celebrate life, both his life and my life! Now that I’m faced with the possibility of being HIV+ and of dying early, I want to lose my fears and experience life before it’s taken away from me. The possibility of not having a tomorrow certainly changes how I feel about today.