Hi guys, sorry I have been off my blog for a little while. I was pretty blown away by my father’s death awhile back, especially since I only heard about it 6 months after he had died. To top it all off, I heard about it from someone I hardly even know. And I have to admit, even as I expect the bare minimum of decency from my parents and sister, even this was a very cheap, scummy and low blow. The sudden news of finding out my father had died 6 months earlier was devastating to me to put it mildly. I know I hadn’t seen or spoken to my father in 18 years, since I was 15 years old, but I really expected him, especially on his deathbed, to make even the tiniest, slightest effort to right the wrongs of his past. To try to make amends with the only son he ever had, that he drove away forever because of his violent abuse. But he didn’t. And all that year I thought he was still alive, I was holding out hope that at the last minute I’d get a letter from him acknowledging and making even a small apology to me for all of the despicable and criminal things he did in the past. But right up until his last dying breath, he still couldn’t even be bothered to make the smallest effort to right his wrongs. And after so many years of waiting and hoping, I was finally faced with the fact that my father lived as a jerk, and he died as one too. That alone was so distressing for me to realize.
I think I was just holding out hope that the people who created me, would somehow turn out to not be the complete scum of the earth, manipulative, arrogant psychopaths, that I had known them to be so well as I was growing up in their house. After all, who wants to know they come from mentally deficient stock like that? I sure didn’t. But apparently I do, and I have to live with that. My parents scraped the bottom of the barrel in their personal lives at home, and belonged in prison for their crimes. But they got away with it for decades. My father even escaped any punishment all the way to his death. My only consolation is the hope that me leaving them at such a young age and refusing to ever speak to them again for the next 18 years somehow hurt them profoundly. I doubt it did. Maybe at first, but I think that was more the shock of seeing their favourite punching bag having the nerve to stand up to them and walk out of their toxic lives forever. And once they got over that shock, I believe, although obviously I can’t know for sure, that they moved on and got over it, and stopped caring. And to some extent were even relieved that I was gone. Less money to spend on a kid they hated, less fighting, less embarrassment that might tarnish their all-important public image.
But I on the other hand, have never forgotten, and the physical and mental bruises I got back then still feel as fresh to me now as they did back then. It’s sad that after all this time, I still can’t get over it. I’ve been trying though and have been with a great psychiatrist for awhile now who has helped a lot with dealing with what she calls Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I still think of it all day and night though: the violence, the bruises on my body I had to try and hide at school, the sexual improprieties towards me by my mother, the endless humiliations and exposures, and hiding from my parents every time I heard them coming because I was so terrified of them. I got so used to hiding by being silent that I still walk on my toes everywhere I go, even after all these years, even when I’m alone at home. Every day and night I think of these horrible things from my past, all year long, and apparently that’s not normal. So my psychiatrist is trying to help me end that, but it takes time, years usually.
But during all this I was really not in a state of mind to be writing personal things on my blog, but I’m going to get back into my writing rhythm again now, now that I’ve gotten past the shock of this. So thanks for your patience and understanding, and most of all thanks so much to those of you have been so friendly and supportive. It may not seem like much to you, but your comments really effect me in a good way, and I’m very grateful for it. So here’s looking to another year full of fun posts! 
Thanks guys!
